This post was supposed to be titled “The magic of Christmas”. I was looking forward writing it since January this year. And now it is titled what it is. If you are currently struggling with Christmas, looking for holiday and Christmas spirit your self you may want to skip this post. You won’t find it here. If you are very much into the season and you may have some holiday spirit and Christmas magic to share? Keep on reading. I sure need some. Because this is the year I lost the Christmas magic.
And being here for more than a few days you know that Christmas is my favorite season. That Christmas crafts are my favorite crafts. That I even have special nail polish for Christmas. That I read Christmas books and watch every available Christmas movie. But something is severely off this year.
It is four days before Christmas.
I have not pulled out a single piece of decoration from my four Christmas boxes. Heck they are buried the farthest away they can be. I have not made an advent wreath. Not for my mother. Not for myself. I have cookie dough sitting ready to be baked for over a week now. And I just can’t. I have started stuffing myself with cookie dough so it will be gone because I can not find energy to bake it. Decorate them. Eat them. And I have no one to give them too.
For the past weeks I have been doing everything to spread the joy of Christmas.
I have ordered all the presents. I have wrapped them. I have sent them off to my sister so they get there in time. I have written cards to elderly people unknown to me to make them enjoy Christmas. I have written 30 cards to friends and family. I have partaken ins several secret Santas. I have dropped off Christmas presents at friends. I even made gifts for the delivery people.
All those things but my heart is not catching on. And I did try.
I have watched a ridiculous amount of cheesy Christmas movies. I have read a couple Christmas books. I have listened to Christmas music. I even was on a Christmas market.
Just a few minutes ago I realized I forgot to buy my Christmas tree candles. (Yes I am still one of the few people having real candles on the tree.)
And that just pushed me over the edge. For the first time ever a thought popped up in my mind: What if I just don’t get a tree at all this year. What if, if Christmas is not happening this year.
I know many people struggle with this time of year. I have never been one. Until now. I am not feeling very well. It may be my migraine talking. It may be that my mental health is not all that well. I’m not sure. All I know is that I don’t get into the Christmas spirit. And that I am starting to not care. And that does seem like a wake up call.
Anyway. I will stopp this petty party now. Tell me about you favorite Christmas and Holiday tradition. Tell me about last time you felt the magic of Christmas. Tell me about a year Christmas was tough for you. And tell me should I get a tree? Should I bake those cookies?
28 comments
Tobia, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. And I do not take lightly your comment about your mental health being in a not-great place; as someone who was in a not-great place earlier this year, I highly advocate for talking to a mental health professional. <3
But! If we are just talking about lack of Christmas spirit, I want to offer commiseration and also hope. I felt like this a few years ago and I remember how awful it was. I LOVE Christmas, and to feel so negative about a holiday I adore made me feel worse. Like you, I went through the motions with a lot of things… but I didn't feel that typical holiday buzz and it was so disheartening. Here is what I wrote then:
"The only Coping Thought that is working for me (currently) is that Christmas Spirit isn’t MANDATORY. There’s no law. I have done my best to do the things that will make Christmas happy for my loved ones and I can finish the last tasks I need to do but there is no law that I have to be cheery or feel awed by the season or cherish every moment. It’s disappointing, but trying to FORCE spirit upon myself is not working, so I am trying to let go. Maybe it will find me if I stop looking so hard."
The good thing is that my Christmas spirit came back! That year was a wash but it was okay. It was just one year. And the next year, the spirit returned. So I hope you will be gentle with yourself and keep in mind that there will be other Christmasses. Thinking of you. xxoo
Oh Suzanne… this all hits home.
I know I did my best spreading holiday cheer. I know my loved ones will appreciate it. And yes I just didn’t feel that buzz, the excitement. But I do know it will come back. Maybe if I am lucky it’s neatly wrapped up in a package underneath the tree. Who knows. If not I guess that is what it is.
And thank you for being such attentive reader. Yes I don’t use the word mentally well lightly as I have my experience with depression. Luckily I have learned to see the signs and I am proud to be able to pin point it and talk with loved ones about those feelings and low days. That usually does help steer me in a different direction. But I think I would know when medical support is needed. Luckily I am feeling much better today and might even bake some cookies later.
I am sorry to hear you had a rough patch earlier this year. And I am sorry to have missed cheering you up and being supportive when you needed it.
Happy holidays to you.
Just checking back in and very relieved to hear all of this, Tobia. Hoping you find a little cheer this year, and if not, know that it will return. xxoo
Thank you Suzanne. I did find more cheer than yesterday and did bake some cookies. So I am hopeful. The husband almost surprised me with a Christmas tree.
Hi Tobia. Hoping that Christmas went as well as possible. And that now you are on the other side, you feel some relief. Such an un-fun way to feel. xxoo
Thank you so much Suzanne. Yes Christmas was great and now I am relaxing and making plans for 2024. I just couldn’t appreciate the advent season really this year.
I’m so sorry that you’re not feeling the season this year. It’s especially hard when it’s your favorite time of the year. I’ve been there a few times in the past, but I still pulled it out for everyone somehow. This year is probably one of my better years, I am pretty much on top of everything, except dinner at this point. I think it has a lot to do with outside influences, I’m being let go at the end of the month and I don’t care. It’s a huge relief to be honest. I think my worry about the toxic company I work for had carried on to my personal life. It’s very weird, I have absolutely no plans for the future and it’s okay.
I think we, those who shoulder the majority of the responsibility of the holiday, have these high expectations to make everything perfect for everyone so when we are having a bad day everything else just tumbles like a line of dominoes.
Go ahead, put up a small tree and bake your cookies. That’s all you need this year. It sounds like you’ve already done so much to get yourself in the spirit and give to other, it’s time to relax and eat your freshly baked cookies with your favorite beverage and looking at your cute little tree.
Have a very Merry Christmas and I totally wish I could be in Berlin for Christmas. Some of my best memories of Christmas was going to the Christmas market on the Ku’damm (I was there while the wall was up).
Thank you so much Ariana. Your pep talk made me smile. I think I will make some cookies today and I might sip some apple cider from my winter cup that I received last year from my secret Santa. It is still in the box but I am motivated to get it. And when the box is out maybe some decorations are being put.
Yesterday was a low day. Today looks better.
I am happy that you can leave the burden of the toxic company behind and that you are hopeful for your future. I am sure something great will come along and until then enjoy the time of all those possibilities.
Merry Christmas
Ps Berlin wouldn’t be fun this year it’s been raining non stop for the past 2 weeks with temperatures just below zero. It really is the worst Christmas weather.
Hi Tobia! I’m sorry to hear that this is a tough Christmas for you. The past few Christmases were tough for me. My advice is this: Don’t put pressure on yourself. You feel how you feel, and that’s OK. It’s really OK to let go of all the expectations and take care of yourself. I skipped the tree one year, and it was wonderful not having to deal with it! I got a tiny ceramic tree that lights up, and it’s cheerful and easy. I gave away a bunch of decorations and now go with a more subtle approach. It works for me.
Here I am, fairly new to your blog, offering advice! I sincerely wish you all the best. ❤️
Thank you Michelle – for reading and being new here (hi) and offering advice. The husband might enjoy a more minimal Christmas this year. He thinks I am going all out usually. I still think it is. More one the minimal side. But I think this year I am indeed skipping the tree. Once I admitted that yesterday and told my husband it felt like a weight has been lifted so maybe it is what it is this year.
I am sorry you had some tough Christmas. I am hoping this year it is more joyful for you. I am ok having less Christmas spirit if you have some more. Seems like it is your turn.
Oh, Tobia. This sounds SO HARD. I am sorry you are struggling and it’s okay to not feel the magic. BUT. Since it’s so unlike you, I think maybe it IT something to take note of maybe talk to someone about. A doctor? Just to make sure it’s not a physical thing?
Twelve years ago, I broke my leg at the beginning of December. I had to have it elevated all day long and I was on painkillers and we didn’t do anything that year. We didn’t put up a tree, didn’t send cards, didn’t buy presents. And my husband’s family INSISTED we drive to visit them and I was so PISSED about the whole thing because my leg was killing me and I didn’t want to go. And it was a tough holiday, but we got through it and have had successful holidays since.
What I wish for you is a return to Christmas magic. Hugs.
Thank you so much Engie. I think writing it all down yesterday and then sharing my feelings with the husband was a good way to not feel so sad and depressed. The husband said he would be ok not having a tree and that we could do a twig or something. We did that one year when our tires were stolen a day before Christmas when I wanted to get the tree. And I think the husband might take over decorations.
I can totally understand how pissed you were when you were forced to go to relatives even though you were hurting. Not cool. Glad all christmases since have been great.
I am so, so sorry Tobia. Christmas is a hard season to not be feeling well – mentally and physically. I wish I could take this all away and give you so much holiday spirit. I hope you are able to find some magic in the next few days and whatever you decide – tree or no tree, I’d say go with your gut instinct on it. But there is no right or wrong answer. Not having a tree, if this is a year to skip that step, could be wonderful <3
Sending internet hugs.
Thank you so so much Elisabeth. Internet hugs are appreciated.
A good nights sleep and an almost gone migraine make it feel a bit better. And I managed to tell my husband about my feelings yesterday too which was helpful. I think he may take over the decorations. Which is a good compromise. He always wants to do it but I am faster.
I’m sorry to hear you’re not feeling it, that’s a bummer. I’m guessing Christmas down here has a very different feel to a Northern Hemisphere one. This year we are with my family for Christmas lunch which I’m very happy about. We have turkey and ham with all the extras plus my mum’s plum pudding. I must admit that Christmas has snuck up on me, but I hope to wrap the presents later today then we are driving down to mum parents tomorrow.
Yes Christmas must be very very different. I can not imagine to have any Christmas spirit when it is warm and sunny out to be honest. But then it is all about how we grow up isn’t it?
Have a wonderful holiday and enjoy your lunch. And please share that plum pudding. Another tradition we are not doing here but I’ve heard a lot of.
I am so sorry- it is hard to feel sad when there is so much public pressure to be happy. And! There is a lot of WORK involved in making Christmas magic– it’s daunting under the best of circumstances. I echo what others have said about talking to someone and making mental health a priority. I hope you have a lovely, relaxing holiday, spirit or no.
Thank you so much Sarah. It’s definitely pressure I put on myself.
I don’t have kids and I spent Christmas at my parents so I don’t need to take care of cooking and yet it is so much. And you have a whole house full but I am the one feeling overwhelmed.
I will make the best of the holidays. I am having crossed of a big thing on my todo list today and it feels lighter already. I think I bake some cookies and see if some spirit is being sparked.
Holidays come with this assumed weight that can be even heavier if you aren’t feeling physically well (oof, migraine) or are struggling through mentally. Sometimes, for me, if I let go of the everything I feel like I should be doing (which only makes me wonder why I’m not enjoying it???) and find one thing – even small – that I know will help lighten my load or mood (or both) it helps remind me that it’s not always the big things that make something a holiday, but some little bits of joy even in the harder years. Please know you’re in my thoughts!
Yes, having a migraine really can suck out all the joy and being in pain and not able to do anything makes every single thing look impossible. Yesterday was such a day. I think the moment I told myself there might not be a tree some of the pressure was lifted. One small thing is a good tip. I started this day with a call with a friend and we talked about books. That made all the difference. And a good nights sleep. Thank you for your support and thoughts.
Ohhh I can so relate. There were many, many years when Christmas was hard for me. In fact, it still is. I grew up in a socialist country where you got one present-one-for New years and that’s it. I am estranged from many people in my blood family so there will be no Facetime and no visits. When I first immigrated to the US, I had nobody to celebrate with- just girls from work (restaurant) and I was very surprised how Christmas had such build up and then huge crash on the other side (January). I still believe Christmas should be small so that one is not disappointed when January comes and bills come, and the cookies and bark are eaten, and the tree is removed.
As someone who takes medication for depression, I send you my best wishes and hugs. Do what is right by you, and don’t worry about anyone else.
Thank you Daria. I hope your Christmas will be a joyful one and you find to happy moments. I am sorry you are estranged from your family and that Christmas can be hard for you. And I am very sorry you are familiar with depression.
I did grow up in Eastern Germany so I can relate. I am sometimes surprised about the amount of presents. I try to keep the budget lower. But I was fortunate enough that it was never a one present occasion. But there was a big present and maybe some clothes and school stuff.
Honestly, this time of year is difficult even if you’re completely on board with Christmas magic. My big mental health dip usually comes in January, but if it comes early it makes it really hard to get in the mood. Maybe you just need a year off. Maybe you need to find the magic in resting and recovering your strength. There’s no wrong way to do it. I hope whatever you end up doing gives you some healing time.
Thank you Allison. I did find some Christmas spirit. Maybe not as glamorous as previous years but it was and is overall a great holiday with family. I am hoping January is gentle to you and your mood is not as deeply dipping. Merry Christmas
I’m so sorry to hear that you were feeling this way, and glad (looking at comments) that you are feeling better and did have a nice Christmas, even if it wasn’t as joyous as you wanted it to be.
Christmas can be difficult, we put so much pressure on ourselves to do so much, and then the added pressure to FEEL a certain way is ridiculous. It’s been a bit of a rough Christmas here, too. Hoping that things get better for you (and us) going forward. Talking about it with your husband was likely a really good idea.
I am so sorry your Christmas was rough. I am hoping things will look up and be more joyful moving forward. Talking things through with a loved one or anyone is such an easy thing to do but (for me) it is often difficult. Specially with close people.
I am so sorry you felt this way about Christmas, Tobia. I know how much you usually love the season (so do I) and it makes me sad that you couldn’t enjoy it … but sometimes, it just doesn’t happen. Other things occupy our hearts and minds and the spirit is just not there. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s ok to “sit out” this year. One can’t force it. I do hope you had some probably much needed down time over the holidays.
Thank you San. Yes it was a bit weird this year and not as joyful as I had hoped. It turned around in the end fortunately. But overall this season was a bit off.