Since we know our time in this apartment has an expiration day my moods are tricky. I am grieving. And I am dancing closely with depression. I can feel it. Yesterday we were on our way to our friends house. The drive took 40 minutes and those minutes were 39 minutes too long to think. I grew quieter. I started feeling bad and when we parked I was crying. Everything just felt wrong. I felt we were making a mistake. But as the husband pointed out it’s not really a mistake WE are making since we are forced into decisions. It’s true. Yet, it feels wrong. I have a hard time with being told what to do, if I don’t have many options, when other people decide for myself.
Everyone wants to know how the situation is. And I appreciate the empathy and the support and all. But I feel like I just don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to role play every scenario. All I want is to beam myself to a vacuum and shut it all off. Well, life doesn’t work like that. Logically, I understand it all. Logically, I know we are making the best decisions with the options we have. But emotionally I can not keep up. Phrases like “It will all play out.” ,”Who know what it’s good for.”, “It will be even better, just wait.” are all well meant and probably true. I know I will come out on the other end stronger. Know I am resilient. I and we have lived through worth things. And yet, here I am. Again writing about feelings. Again using this space for my venting. Again needing to air my thoughts.
Writing has always helped me sort my feelings. The same as making lists. And so here is another list. A list of things I want to do in this neighborhood. A farewell list.
- ✔️Spend a day (half a day, a few hours) working from the library.
- ✔️ Tug book recommendations into library books.
- Take myself to lunch at this Ramen place I recently discovered.
- Take a boat tour – my moms birthday gift to show her our “new” neighborhood.
- ✔️ Save as many too-good-to-go bags as is reasonable.
- ✔️ Buy myself some jewelry in the thrift store as a souvenir from this year we spend here.
- ✔️Take a deep breath on the balcony and enjoy the view as often as possible, preferably daily.
- ✔️ Photograph every sunset I get the chance too.
- ✔️ Attend church service.
- ✔️ Cash in my book voucher from the local shop.
I am not sure if this list will make it harder to leave. Will make me feel more depressed. But it could help me feel like I have done everything I wanted to do. Feel like I have made the most of the time I lived in this neighborhood.
Do you suffer from FOMO? Have you ever wanted to do something really bad and then not had the chance to do it and regretted it ever since?
12 comments
I think it’s really a hard time when your housing is flux even in the best of circumstances. It doesn’t sound like this IS the best of circumstances, so give yourself grace to feel your feelings, but also to have some hope that the next adventure will be just as wonderful! I hope that your list helps you to say goodbye to your current neighborhood and gives you some ideas for what to put on the list for your next place.
Thank you Engie.
I hope it will help. I have half a list I look forward to when this is behind me…
This is heartbreaking. While we can all look back at certain things in our lives that “worked out for good” in the end, we DON’T know the trajectory of how things will play out and it is natural and necessary to grieve and I can only imagine the full range of emotions at play here.
I am so, so sorry you’re going through this, especially on top of such a stressful year with your surgery, complications from that, migraine issues, etc.
I hope you are able to find little rays of sunshine among the cloudy skies of what’s happening. So, so sorry Tobia. And I hope next steps are clear for you and your husband and that you find a new home that feels safe, secure, and beautiful. Hugs, my friend <3
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This is so good to read and I am very glad that I have my online friends to help me through this. It’s tough times and days are up and down.
Today I crossed of the working in the library thing and I might repeat a few times.
Thank you for your words Elisabeth
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It must be so overwhelming and depressing. I hope your new home is even more lovely than this one, and comes with a lot more security!
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It is depressing and right now I do not think it can be better. Unfortunately. But it sure can be more secure.
Ugh. I agree, just feel your feelings. It feels crummy right now. I do like your list. Since you are on borrowed time here, it reads to me sort of like the list one might make if they were on vacation somewhere. I have this much time, here are the things that I want to do while I can.
I’m sorry this is so hard. I wish there were better options out there for you. Hang in there.
Yes, it does feel like a bit like one of those list you want to do when being at a place for a certain time. Thank you for your support. It does help to just vent.
I don’t blame you one bit for getting emotional over this, and I am not surprised the whole uncertainty of the situation has pushed you to the brink of depression. Hey, at least you know WHY you’re feeling so down (might be just as hard but still easier to deal with feeling down because of nothing because you’re feeling down because of SOME BIG STUFF happening to your life.)
I think it’s great that you made a list of things to do before you want to leave. Yes, it’ll be bitter-sweet in a way and you’ll probably think about how much you’ll miss it, BUT you will also be able to say that you took advantage to the fullest when you could ;)
Thank you friend. Yes it is tough. And I am feeling down more. then I like to admit (and is probably healthy) but I am finding. small good things to. And I am hoping this list makes me remember this tough time and change the narrative of these month. But it is a struggle… So glad I have my blog to vent and some encouraging words from friends.
I can’t even imagine how stressful this is for you and your husband, Tobia. The whole situation is just unbelievable. I think the thing that would make it hard for me is that despite your best efforts, someone else had the power (not a great word but the only one that comes to mind) to affect your lives substantially. No wonder you are stressed, leaving a place you love, and not knowing what the outcome will be. I hope you are taking care of yourself, and that if you need help, you are getting it. <3
It is exactly that: power. And the thing I struggle most with. There is simply nothing I can do. And I hate the feeling when other people decide for me and force me into decisions I wouldn’t make. Thank you for the kind words. I am trying to be good to myself and take care. Everything else comes later.